Clerk Brian is Advised
by DrFrankenburger
Summary: Lord Vetinari pays attention to keeping his staff on the rails.


**Clerk Brian is Advised**

 _Dedication: To Lake Illawara High School Library for having linked to my previous story 'The Clown and the Assassins.'_

 _Sometimes obsessive workers need an outlet away from work to keep them on the rails. Given the kind of people he employs, Lord Vetinari understands this._

 _The idea for this story came from looking into mechanical telephone systems of the late Nineteenth Century, which used no electricity and were a niche competitor to the electrical systems we are used to from about 1860 AD to 1900 AD (very approximate figures.)_

 _Disclaimer: Discworld and its characters belong to the late Sir Terry Pratchett and his heirs, this story is for entertainment only and I claim no commercial interest in it._

Three figures in black stood at the ends of the Long Gallery of the Patrician's palace. A pair were at one end, one man at the other.

If one looked more closely the pair consisted of the Patrician, Lord Vetinari, and Drumknott his personal assistant. They we examining a grille set into the wall with a miniature gong set next to it.

The man at the other end of the Gallery was Clerk Brian, a Dark Clerk expert on listening devices who Vetinari thought needed to get out in the fresh air more. **(1)**

'Are we here to confess our sins Drumknott,' said Vetinari, in an urbane tone. Drumknott squirmed a little inside at the thought that his master might be making fun of him.

' know this resembles a temple confessional sir, but it has a secular purpose and quite impressed Leonard when he was shown this apparatus.' **(2)** Drumknott's tone was careful. He was wary of the idea himself. Anything approved of by the eccentric genius in the attic could have consequences you never saw coming.

'For the purposes of this demonstration sir, would you care to ring the gong ?' Drumknott was quietly spoken, as was his wont, but there was a further reason for quiet here, and Vetinari had been briefed that the demonstration would work better if the noise were kept down.

With advised restraint, the Patrician rang the gong.

'You rang my lord ?' Clerk Brian's voice emerged from the grille as though he were standing next to them. If he'd wanted to communicate down the length of the gallery normally he'd either have needed to shout or use portable clacks. **(3)**

'Thank you for demonstrating this idea Clerk Brian, I assume the wire I can see running from the grille towards you carries our voices. Do the Igors know about this.'

'No sir, it does not use elecktrickal principles, so it does not impinge on their intellectual property. The tension in the wire carries the vibration of our voices, like the vibration of a violin or guitar string.'

'How do you propose that this device be employed ?' Vetinari seemed interested but cautious.

'I had thought that communication between the Palace, the Post Office, the Mint and the Royal Bank would be facilitated, and the use of tensioned steel wire would make it easy to detect tampering and provide an opportunity to disseminate any required disinformation.' Clerk Brian sounded hopeful.

'You forgot to allow for one thing young man. This is Ankh – Morpork. As soon as anyone realises we are doing this, they will copy the idea whether the Palace patents it or not. That will also leave a lot of refined metal in places where it is easy to steal. Mr Boggis **(4)** I can win round to a Thieves' Guild embargo on trading in such signal wire for the good of the city. Unlicensed thieves may be more challenging.' **(5)**

Lord Vetinari appeared to pause for a moment's thought, then spoke what was on his mind.

'I am minded to fund further development of this system. However that is dependent on a report into which bodies may find it useful, the unlicensed crime risks presented by the presence of such signal wires and what any proposed countermeasures should be. In triplicate, copies to myself, Commander Vimes of the Watch and one to yourself with a watching brief to monitor effectiveness of both the system and any implemented security measures. Initial report on my desk by the end of this week please, then I will look into further funding.'

'Thank you sir, I will start work on your orders immediately.' Clerk Brian sounded eager.

'Let us return to the office Drumknott, doubtless we have more paperwork awaiting us.' Vetinari waited until he judged they were far enough from the grille that the sound would not reach it before he spoke again. **(6)**

'That should get Clerk Brian some fresh air. And as with the Bureau of Weights and Measures, minds like that need to be usefully occupied or you might be surprised at what they come up with.'

It did not occur to Drumknott that his own sanctioned mornings on the railway might be Vetinari's way of promoting good mental balance in his personal clerk.

(1) He thought Drumknott was a bit too _intense_ about stationery and filing too.

(2) Leonard of Quirm, permanent guest, technical advisor, genius, you have been warned...

(3) Semaphore by ping pong bats. Don't laugh, it works, though it looks like a Fools' Guild gag.

(4) Leader of the Thieves' Guild. Legal under Lord Vetinari, and subject to _enforced_ quotas.

(5) Metal theft. A pain in the neck in the early 21st Century Roundworld country the UK.

(6) This is Vetinari, it might be safer not to ask how he knew.


End file.
